


Superheroes

by alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Humor, M/M, Parody, Relena Bashing, Yaoi, by 0083, i can't believe there's no tag for Relena bashing, super heroes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 16:56:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13528587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist/pseuds/alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist
Summary: by 0083Warnings: it's a parody. i make use of overused stereotypes, make fun of anything and everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [a little piece of gundam wing collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/alittlepieceofgundamwing/profile).

Five old men looked at each other with a bit of consternation, if not outright chagrin. They were quite a sight, mismatched and wrinkled, hardly the picture of superheroes.  
  
"Thirty years ago, we kicked ass."  
  
"Thirty years ago, we could wear spandex without the high embarrassment factor."  
  
So went the conversations, all comments centering around their glory days when they were young, fit and swoon worthy. Unfortunately, time marched on relentlessly, even over superheroes who defended the universe and other important things.  
  
"We need successors."  
  
"Who do we get?"  
  
"We should send out try-out forms!"  
  
"Are you nuts? We'd get flooded with wannabes and other losers. No thanks."  
  
"How about invitations? We must have noticed some worthy ones in our stint, right?"  
  
"Invitations! Brilliant! Nothing less from J, that's for sure."  
  
"Yep, those prosthetic eyes haven't dimmed his inner vision at all."  
  
"And they look better than G's stupid nose enhancer."  
  
"Yeah? What about your sad excuse of a mustache, O?"  
  
Bickering aside, the five heroes who had saved the universe many times, otherwise known as the Superhero Alphabet Team (thanks to their lettered names) decided to choose successors to their superherodom via invitations.  
  
+  
  
When the five invited successors arrived at the superhero hideout (or hall, or whatever), the five old superheroes were already gone. In their place was a hastily written note left on the center console.  
  
//Dear Successors,  
  
We hope you like the hideout (or hall, or whatever). We wanted to be there to train you, give you instructions and other useful things, but we decided that the retirement home in Bermuda was too good to pass up. So get comfortable and good luck in saving the universe.  
  
Signed,  
Alphabet Team//  
  
Not a very momentous beginning, but it was a beginning.  
  
The five successors looked around at each other. They were five boys, all around fifteen or so. And as the laws of nature dictate, they immediately began their pissing contest to see who would be the leader of this newly found superhero group.  
  
"I'm Heero Yuy. My superhero name is, of course, the Perfect Soldier. I am most suited to be the leader because I come with my own spandex."  
  
"Duo Maxwell here. Call me Shinigami. That alone makes me way cooler than any of you here."  
  
"Trowa Barton. Silencer." Intimidating silence followed. How appropriate.  
  
"My name is Quatre Raberba Winner. I think I should be called.. the Desert Noble. Yes, that will do for now. I should be leader because I'm really rich. The real world works that way, so why not us?"  
  
"If there is any justice, I, Chang Wufei, the Dragon, should lead!"  
  
Ah yes, who indeed would be the leader of this clandestine group?  
  
+  
  
A week later, the leader situation still had not been resolved, but that was just fine since the universe did not seem to be in any immediate peril. The boys were getting to know each other, however reluctantly, as they argued over everything.  
  
+  
  
"The Hall of Justice! We should be called the Justice League!"  
  
"Sheesh, Wufei, not only is it cheesy, it's copyright infringement! Do you want to get sued?"  
  
"Silence, long haired idiot boy!"  
  
"SHINIGAMI! I told you that!"  
  
+  
  
"No spandex."  
  
"All superheroes wear spandex."  
  
"Not me. I like my outfit."  
  
"You look like a delinquent priest."  
  
"And that's cool, I know. You should go for a new look. I mean, should the Perfect Soldier really be that friendly with spandex?"  
  
"It is standard superhero clothing. Look at them all. Superman, Batman, Spiderman, any and all of X-men.."  
  
"So what? I'm telling you, if you saw a guy in a blue leotard with red underpants running around with a cape, the first word in your mind won't be 'superhero'."  
  
".."  
  
+  
  
"Zero system for our central system? Is that a good idea?"  
  
"Quatre, just because you go psycho on it does not mean the rest of us will."  
  
"Yes, it's hard to go psycho when you are already one, isn't it."  
  
"I heard that, blondie."  
  
"I meant for you to hear it, uni-bang."  
  
"At least I don't go around wearing pink."  
  
"I'm confident enough in my manliness to wear pink."  
  
"Confidence, delusion, whatever works for you."  
  
"What was that?"  
  
+  
  
"I happen to be qualified for superherodom, thank you. I'm telepathic."  
  
"And that will help us how?"  
  
"You're just jealous, Trowa."  
  
"Not likely, Quatre. I can defy gravity."  
  
"Just because your hair does, does not mean the rest of you can."  
  
"Hell, I have better superpowers than the both of you combined. I'm Shinigami, the invisible. No enemy can see me coming."  
  
"Yeah, but they can hear you, oh long-winded God of talk me to Death."  
  
"Shut up, Heero."  
  
"Shouldn't that be YOUR modus operandi?"  
  
"At least I don't have the standard superhero power like you, super strength Heero."  
  
"At least my power is useful."  
  
"Yeah, if we need to open the peanut butter."  
  
"Will you two shut up? Everyone knows my power of justice is the greatest."  
  
"Pay up, Heero. Wufei just said justice and it has been only five minutes."  
  
"Damn. I was sure it would be seven minutes."  
  
"Injustice!"  
  
"Quatre, pay up."  
  
"Injustice!"  
  
+  
  
So went the superheroes' days. They were able to choose a leader, finally, after Quatre a.k.a. the Desert Noble went absolutely psycho on the central system and threatened them all quite convincingly that he was the most likely leader among them all. Zero System Quatre, as he was dubbed by a stunned Shinigami, was a creature of no mercy and no style. Better to make him leader than end up pushing up daisies. The naming of their group situation also eventually resolved itself, this time thanks to Trowa's ingenuity. He had meticulously written out all the names they had come up with and picked one out of the hat. The Gundam Five. What a gundam was, no one knew really, but it sounded like a superhero thing and that was enough. Except for Wufei's mutterings about 'Justice', the name was accepted.  
  
Now they were no longer nameless group of superheroes without a leader. They were now The Gundam Five, led by the capable (and occasionally mental) Quatre, the Desert Noble.  
  
And after all that, the universe was not cooperating. No major crisis, no natural disasters, not even a small sized invasion to spice things up. Alas, the Gundam Five was bored out of its mind in its hideout (or hall, or whatever). Then it came. The dreaded. The unthinkable.  
  
The Peacecraft.  
  
Shudder.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> by 0083
> 
> Warning: weirdness, huge plot holes, nonsensical plot (i have one?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [a little piece of gundam wing collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/alittlepieceofgundamwing/profile).

"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
This strain of intelligent conversation lasted five hours before an exasperated and pissed off Wufei tackled the nay-sayer Duo and aye-sayer Heero onto the ground.  
  
"Do you guys even remember what you're arguing about?"  
  
"No." So sayeth Duo.  
  
"Yes." So sayeth Heero.  
  
"AARGH!" So screameth Wufei.  
  
Yet another typical day in the hideout (or hall, or whatever) continued until their leader Quatre noticed something.  
  
A signal going off on the console. Something that had never happened during their month stay in the hideout (or hall, or whatever).  
  
"Holy crap! The signal is going off!"  
  
All able bodied superheroes (five to be exact) gathered around the blinking red light. It was mesmerizing, the way it kept blinking on and off. But what did it mean?  
  
"An earthquake?"  
  
"No, Wufei. Zero System says it's something worse."  
  
"An alien invasion!"  
  
"Wrong, Duo. Something scarier."  
  
"The planet is under severe environmental stress due to all the pollution and chemical spillage which sullied our pure oceans, put holes in the ozone and messed up the ecological system that nature intended!"  
  
"Ah ha. That's enough caffeine for you today, Trowa."  
  
"The earth is going to blow up."  
  
"Think bigger and more horrible, Heero."  
  
Silence followed. What could be so bad that all their imaginations could not come up with the reason the light was blinking?  
  
They got their answer in the form of an e-mail.  
  
"We got e-mail!"  
  
Well, duh, Quatre a.k.a. Desert Noble.  
  
"What does it say?"  
  
If Trowa was curious, the message had to be important. Quatre, because he was their leader and was sitting right in front of the e-mail console, decided that he would read it out loud.  
  
"Ahem. Let's see. The e-mail says:  
  
By now, your pathetic alarm system has gone off, warning you too late of my arrival on your pathetic planet. I am here for one reason and one reason only! What that reason is, you will find out too late, you pathetic superheroes! While you are reading, I have already arrived! Quail before me! I am the Peacecraft!  
  
That's the message."  
  
Contemplation ensued.  
  
"What the hell is a Peacecraft?" Duo wondered out loud.  
  
"Quail? Isn't that a bird?" Trowa searched his memory for that particular species of fowl, convinced that it was the most important part of the message.  
  
"Pathetic? How dare he! Or she!" Said the suddenly politically-corrected version of Wufei.  
  
"Shouldn't we go stop the Peacecraft?" Heero pondered, cracking his knuckles and smiling at the possibility of imminent violence and mayhem. "Because I am the leader, I will find out what this Peacecraft is!"  
  
Four heads turned to Quatre. Yes, he did have a good idea there. They must know their enemy before engaging in fighting, or quailing.  
  
"Wufei! Bring me the Webster's Tenth Edition Dictionary of Supervillain Names!"  
  
"A what? We have one?"  
  
Quatre rolled his aquamarine eyes far enough to see the back of his skull.  
  
"Of course we do. It's in our library."  
  
"We have a library?"  
  
Quatre let out a sigh that could have dispelled the flames of hell.  
  
"Yes, Duo, we have one. It's next to the freaking kitchen, you know."  
  
"Oh. Right. That room. The room Heero and I screw like rab-"  
  
At that point, Heero used his oft celebrated superhero power of strength and threw Duo into a wall. On the other side of the hideout (or hall, or whatever).  
  
"Screw like rab? When did that happen?"  
  
Duo could not answer Quatre since he was currently oozing down the far wall in a liquid mass thanks to the impact. Heero was forced to do the talking.  
  
"It happened. A while back. Don't you hear the noises?"  
  
"Screw like rab.. rabbis?"  
  
Obviously, Quatre had not gotten the full import of the rab- comment or its reply.  
  
"Rabbis? Try rabbits."  
  
Of course, it would be Trowa the animal expert who would correct Quatre.  
  
"Screw? But we're superheroes! We do not have sex with each other! Or guys."  
  
Poor Wufei. Little did he know.  
  
"Superheroes so have sex with other guys."  
  
Duo said after he finally managed to gain his former shape (and what a beautiful shape it is).  
  
Heero actually nodded in agreement. Wufei was still skeptical.  
  
"Oh really? Name one."  
  
"Batman."  
  
Duo's unhesitating answer threw Wufei off a little. "Batman?"  
  
"Yes, Wuffie, Batman. Why do you think he has Robin around?"  
  
"It's Wufei! And Robin is a sidekick."  
  
"Yeah, in more ways than one. Look at it this way – dark cave, two men alone in there all the time, and they both have a thing for spandex. Sounds like the beginnings of a porn and I bet that's where the action is, too."  
  
"So Batman and Robin do it."  
  
"All the time."  
  
"What about Superman? He has Lois Lane, a perfectly heterosexual thing."  
  
"He's in the closet."  
  
"The closet?"  
  
"Yep. So far in it that he thinks he's straight. Poor, misconceived soul."  
  
Wufei and Duo would have kept on going down the list of known superheroes if Quatre had not lost his patience.  
  
"Who needs to know about that now? We're in research mode, people! Wufei, the Dictionary please?"  
  
"Fine, don't get all Zero system on me, okay? Where was it again?"  
  
"The library. It's on the shelf with our references, along with Great Lines to Threaten Your Enemies volumes one through eight, and How to Go to the Bathroom in a Leotard Suit."  
  
"Gotcha. Justice will be served."  
  
"Heero, pay up."  
  
"Damn it! Not again!"  
  
+  
  
The Dictionary of Supervillain Names was finally fetched and Quatre looked up ‘the Peacecraft' in the huge tome.  
  
"Ah ha! I found it."  
  
"What is it?" Four voices asked.  
  
"According to this Dictionary, the Peacecraft is a legendary supervillain with the potential for becoming an arch-nemesis. It is capable of tracking anyone anywhere and no one has survived its coming. The most feared name in the universe, next to E-Z Cheese."  
  
"How can we tell if something or someone is a Peacecraft?"  
  
"I'm so glad you asked me that, Trowa. The answer is, it constantly makes a high pitched sound much akin to teenage girls in Backstreet Boys concerts."  
  
"I'm afraid, Heero."  
  
"Me, too, Duo. Let's go have some wild monkey sex involving leathers and other toys unmentionable in polite company."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Hey, I'm not done!"  
  
But Heero and Duo had already disappeared into the library and Quatre was ignored.  
  
"I'm not going into that library until it is thoroughly cleaned. It's injustice!"  
  
"Quatre, pay up."  
  
"Fuck."  
  
+  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere on earth, the Peacecraft sat surrounded by her minions. She was busy with the standard villain speech.  
  
"Soon, we will conquer the earth!"  
  
Cheers.  
  
"We will be victorious!"  
  
More cheers.  
  
"We will cover the earth with everlasting peace!"  
  
Utter silence. The pink wearing, wheat blond, blue eyed Peacecraft known as Relena looked about confused until a long blond haired girl with eyebrow problems stepped onto the podium to whisper in her ear.  
  
"Oh.. I mean, we will cover the earth with chaos and darkness!"  
  
Loud cheers.  
  
Yes, evil was preparing while the Gundam Five, the last hope of humanity, researched in their hideout (or hall, or whatever). Well, some researched. Heero and Duo were too busy with some explicit sex scenes that even Cinamax wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Does the Gundam Five have a chance against the Peacecraft, or to be more specific, the Relena Peacecraft?  
  
Will they ever find out more about the Peacecraft before it is too late?  
  
Will Quatre and Trowa follow Heero and Duo's footsteps and get it on?  
  
Will Wufei ever get it on?  
  
The eternal mysteries of the universe will be answered.. in the next episode!  
  
Or maybe in a few more episodes from now.   


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> by 0083
> 
> the madness continues... just as a sidenote, this part is rather twisted...  
> Warning: this is supposed to be funny... so excuse the wild OOC-ness, the puns, the jokes..

The fear and the dread were palpable in the atmosphere. The Gundam Five were sweating, their hands clammy. The task that lay before seemed too awesome, too frightening.  
  
"Do we have to do this?"  
  
"Heero, we are superheroes. We fear nothing."  
  
"Then why is your voice shaking, Wufei?"  
  
"Let's just get this over with! The faster we do it, the sooner it's over and we can go back to our normal lives."  
  
"Easy for you to say, oh feared leader."  
  
"Shut up and suck it up, Duo."  
  
Still, hands shook, teeth chattered, bodies shivered. After all, they were facing one of the greatest challenges known to man.  
  
Insurance.  
  
+  
  
"Property damage liability insurance? Aren't we immune to property damage claims? I mean, we are defending lives here. What's a little building here and there?"  
  
Duo was practically steaming. How dare the people they protected with their lives claim that superheroes would be liable for destroying a few buildings and other landmarks during their fight with evil? After all, every superhero incurred some property damage while fighting. How else could they fight? Ask the villains to move it out of city limits?  
  
"Health insurance? Why do we need that?"  
  
"Think about it, Wufei. We are bound to get hurt a lot fighting evil. Besides, I don't want to be stuck with all the hospital bills."  
  
"But you're rich, Quatre. You can pay for everything."  
  
"Just fill out the forms, Wufei. It won't kill you."  
  
Heero was doing just that while Wufei grumbled about injustice. They would be fighting the Peacecraft soon – or as soon as they figured out where he/she was. So it would be prudent, if not downright practical, to have some insurance in case anything bad happened.  
  
At least, that's what he wanted to think.  
  
In the end, the superheroes decided to do the task as one. They weren't getting anything done.  
  
"Okay. Have we have had any of the following conditions. Raise your hand if you have."  
  
"Right, Quatre. Shoot."  
  
"High blood pressure."  
  
Five raised hands.  
  
"Who wouldn't have high blood pressure in our line of work? Especially living in this hideout (or hall, or whatever) with the rest of you."  
  
Four hands smacked Duo. Poor Duo.  
  
"Broken bones."  
  
"You've got to be kidding."  
  
"I'll take that as a yes for all of us then. Okay, next."  
  
"The hell with next, Quatre. You know we probably had all those conditions at one point or another."  
  
"Maybe you have, but I certainly haven't had ‘menstrual problems'. Something you're not telling us, Duo?"  
  
For once, Duo refused to reply. Heero looked over at his lover/sex toy/soul mate/boyfriend/ one and only/etc,. etc., in concern.  
  
"Anyway, continuing on.. oh, hell, they only gave us two lines for ‘other conditions.' Wufei, get a notebook. We need to fill out the ‘other' section."  
  
"Why am I always fetching things? I tell you, it's inj-"  
  
"Say it and I'm going zero system on you."  
  
+  
  
"Heero, you go first. Any conditions the form hasn't provided?"  
  
"Chemical inhalation followed by severe mutation."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"How do you think I got my powers? Remember, there are only three ways to become a superhero. One, mutation. Two, alien heritage. Three, stinking filthy rich."  
  
"You know you're pigeon-holing a lot of people there, Heero."  
  
"He's right though."  
  
"Not!"  
  
"Just agree with me for once, Wufei."  
  
"I can never agree with someone so.. girly, Maxwell. Besides, you're wrong!"  
  
"How so?"  
  
"The Green Lantern."  
  
"Alien heritage right there."  
  
"Hey, Green Lantern is human!"  
  
"With an alien ring."  
  
"Fine. Wonderwoman. She's human."  
  
"Not true. She's some Amazon something or other. Besides, women ARE, by definition, alien creatures." "You do have a point there."  
  
Ah, how easily Wufei fell into the misogynistic logic hole.  
  
+  
  
"I'm not sure if anyone will give us health insurance."  
  
"Why not, Quatre? After we worked on the forms all day, we should be okay."  
  
"Yeah, but we have had every single condition listed, plus the eighty pages worth of stuff under ‘other' category. This looks bad."  
  
"How bad?"  
  
"Well, let's see. Besides the normal conditions, we have chemical mutation, biological mutation, radioactivity, allergies to various alien objects, tendencies to go insane, and the list goes on. Our premiums are going to be ridiculous."  
  
"But you're rich so we're good, right?"  
  
"Trowa, I doubt even I can cover this. Do we have an expense account?"  
  
"We would, if we were paid by someone."  
  
Sigh. Superheroes had such a thankless, not to mention incomeless jobs.  
  
+  
  
"So tell me once again. We need insurance because.."  
  
"We get hurt a lot, Duo. That's why we need a health coverage program. You're not going to trust Medicare to take care of your bills, are you?"  
  
"Gods, no."  
  
"And since we are most likely to destroy fair amounts of the cities we're going to save.. Property insurance is good."  
  
"I still don't think we need it."  
  
"You want to deal with lawyers or insurance forms?"  
  
Duo shrank back while Heero soothingly touched Duo's back.  
  
"No need to scare the spandex off him, Quatre. That was cruel."  
  
"I don't wear spandex, Heero."  
  
"You will tonight."  
  
"Only if you use the chains."  
  
"Deal."  
  
+  
  
Finally, the insurance was taken care of. Now all they had to do was face the Peacecraft. The Gundam Five were confident about the battle with the Peacecraft. After all, they had conquered the evils of insurance forms. They could deal with threat to humanity, no problem.  
  
Unless the Peacecraft was a lawyer.  
  
Then the world would have to fend for itself.  
  
Really. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> by 0083

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [a little piece of gundam wing collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/alittlepieceofgundamwing/profile).

"Ah ha!" Quatre yelled triumphantly, holding up a piece of paper. It was the location of the Peacecraft, complete with driving directions from Yahoo Mapquest. Then Quatre realized that he had received no responses. The hideout (or hall, or whatever) was empty.  
  
"Where the hell are they now?"  
  
Sighing, Quatre went looking for his fellow superheroes. After all, they now knew where the great evil resided and fighting had to commence. It was their job.  
  
+  
  
Quatre paused just outside of the room Duo and Heero shared and carefully listened. There seemed to be no one in there, but with those two, one had to be extra careful. Wufei had accidentally walked in on them the other day and had lost a pint of blood through the nose.  
  
"Hey, Heero, Duo, you guys in there?"  
  
Instead of a response, Quatre heard noises. Quatre pressed his ear to the door, trying to make out the sounds.  
  
"Go.. slowly.."  
  
That muffled voice sounded like Heero.  
  
"So tight.. mmph.."  
  
That sounded like Duo.  
  
"Wriggle.. makes it.. easier.."  
  
"Just feels.. urmph.."  
  
"How about some lube?"  
  
"Good idea.. slather it on me."  
  
"Feels better, right?"  
  
"Mmmm.. sliding right in.."  
  
Quatre shook his head. Those two were at it again. But now was not the time for mindless, mind-blowing sex! It was time for action! Well, the other kind of action.  
  
But wait. This was a cliché, a staple. Hearing something that sounds like sex and then realizing that they are doing something completely innocent. Quatre nodded knowingly, complementing his superior intelligence. Of course they were in there doing something completely unrelated to sex, like putting on spandex or something.  
  
So Quatre opened the door.  
  
And saw a scene straight out of 'Hustler'. Only with two boys.  
  
And whips. Leather. Holy crap, was that a handcuff? And what was with the trapeze? Not to mention the array of vibrators.  
  
And what was Heero doing with that cucumber?  
  
Was it a cucumber? Could Quatre possibly ever eat a salad again?  
  
And just what the hell was plugged into the electric socket?  
  
Quatre closed the door. He would never ever open their door again, not ever.  
  
+  
  
Several hours later, Wufei and Trowa found Quatre curled in the fetal position, mumbling something about vegetables, the electric bill and the Peacecraft.  
  
"Shit, did Quatre become one with the Zero system again?"  
  
"No. From the symptoms he's exhibiting, I'd say he walked in on Heero and Duo's fun time."  
  
"What makes you say that, Wufei?"  
  
"I was like that for a whole day after I saw them."  
  
"That bad?"  
  
"Or good. Depends on how you look at it."  
  
+  
  
Finally, Heero and Duo stopped having sex long enough to rejoin the world. Quatre regained his mind and they planned to take the Peacecraft down.  
  
+  
  
"Are we on the right street?"  
  
"We have to be. How hard can it be to find a pink mansion?"  
  
"Quatre, are you sure those directions are right?"  
  
"I got it off Mapquest. It's never wrong."  
  
Poor, misguided Quatre.  
  
+  
  
Several more hours passed and their aimless wandering brought them to a giant pink mansion with a curlicue 'P' on the gate.  
  
"It looks like Barbie's Dream House."  
  
"And just how do you know what Barbie's Dream House looks like, Wufei?"  
  
"Go bother someone else, Duo."  
  
"Like Heero?"  
  
"Don't you think about anything else, you lech?"  
  
"Oh, the gates are opening."  
  
"Trowa, that probably means trap. No, it is a trap. With capital letters."  
  
"You afraid to go in, Heero?"  
  
"Anyone would be afraid to go into something that pink."  
  
"True."  
  
But because they were the Gundam Five, superheroes of the universe, they girded up their loins and walked into the Peacecraft's giant pink house. The things they did for the safety of humanity..  
  
+  
  
"Oh ho ho ho ho ho! You have fallen into my trap perfectly!"  
  
The Peacecraft gloated, laughing a high pitched laugh that put hyenas to shame.  
  
"You pathetic fools! Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho!"  
  
The Gundam Five winced in pain. It hurt to hear her. But it would take more than that to deter Wufei.  
  
"You will not win, Peacecraft! Your attacks won't work on me!"  
  
"Attack? I haven't done that yet."  
  
"What do you call that awful noise you just made?"  
  
"Just who are you to insult me?"  
  
"I am the Dragon of the Gundam Five, the soldier of Justice, defender of love!"  
  
Utter silence followed. Then..  
  
"Soldier of justice?"  
  
"Defender of love?"  
  
"Where did he get those lines?"  
  
Wufei glared at his fellow superheroes.  
  
"Don't you guys do any research before fighting?"  
  
"We did, Wufei, but what the hell are you talking about? And what's with the posing?"  
  
Sighing, Wufei tossed Duo the manual he had studied meticulously to prepare for the ordeal against the Peacecraft.  
  
"Hm. 'The Art of Being a Superhero.' You read this, Wufei?"  
  
"Cover to cover, Duo. Now I'm the perfect superhero, as the book describes."  
  
"Yeah, but did you read the fine print?"  
  
"Fine print? What fine print?"  
  
"Under the title, it says 'This edition is for the shoujo superheroes, mainly magical girls.'"  
  
"Girls???"  
  
"That would explain the whole sailor fuku outfit Wufei has on."  
  
"You know, I was wondering about the whole skirt thing too, Trowa. I never thought Wufei would be a cross dresser."  
  
Wufei went red in the face.  
  
"I WAS ONLY FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS!!!"  
  
He was ignored as Quatre continued his musings. "I mean, not only the sailor outfit, but the high heels too."  
  
"I don't know, Quatre. I think the bow is kind of nice."  
  
"The tiara's a nice touch too. If he was a girl superhero."  
  
By this time, the Peacecraft realized that she was being overlooked, all because the one who had challenged her had messed up his wardrobe. That would not do.  
  
"Hey, we're starting an epic battle here! Pay attention!"  
  
And so, the five superheroes look at the Peacecraft. Yes, they did have a fight coming up. There was no time to wonder about Wufei's clothing choice.  
  
+  
  
And the epic battle begins! And like any good episode, there will be a commercial intervention! How will our superheroes do in their battle against the ghastly Peacecraft?  
  
Will they win?  
  
Will Wufei ever get out of the sailor fuku?  
  
Until next time.. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> by 0083
> 
> it's over!!! waaahh thank you everyone who read. i truly enjoyed writing it. i hope it brought some laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [a little piece of gundam wing collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/alittlepieceofgundamwing/profile).

In the last episode, our intrepid superheroes faced off against the Peacecraft in a fight for peace, freedom and other wonderful things. Wufei fought for dignity and fashion sense, not to mention the justice and love thing.  
  
Now, on with the battle..  
  
+  
  
"You will not win, Peacecraft!"  
  
At the challenge, the Peacecraft merely let out another round of hideous laughter.  
  
"Hey, Quatre, maybe we should stop taunting her."  
  
"Why is that, Trowa?"  
  
"She keeps laughing. If this keeps up, I'm going to go deaf."  
  
"Right."  
  
However, the Peacecraft ran out of breath and stopped laughing. Gasping for much needed breath, the Peacecraft began her villainous speech.  
  
"You have fallen into my trap! None of you will survive! You cannot stop me from bringing everlasting peace to earth!"  
  
At that moment, a blond apparition appeared beside the Peacecraft and whispered into her ear.  
  
"Everlasting peace?"  
  
Duo's confused question echoed around the large vaulted room. Heero looked like he was on the verge of reintroducing his breakfast onto the floor – i.e. the poor boy was about to throw up.  
  
"No! Anything but.. peace.."  
  
By that time, the blond next to the Peacecraft had stopped the whispering. The Peacecraft nodded in perfect understanding.  
  
"Oh yes, of course, Dorothy. I meant, everlasting chaos. Excuse my blunder. My speech writer has the day off."  
  
Heero breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, they could get to the violence. He readied himself for a full out assault.  
  
"You don't honestly think you'll fight me right now, do you?"  
  
The Gundam Five stared at the Peacecraft. What was she rambling about now?  
  
"I mean," the Peacecraft continued oblivious to the confounded superheroes, "it is customary that you fight my lackeys, become severely injured, if not die, before you fight my gloriousness and all that."  
  
Oh yes. They had forgotten about the standard pre-supervillain lackey fighting sequences.  
  
"So, come forth, my minions! Destroy them all!"  
  
And nothing. There was no outpouring of minions at all.  
  
"Ah, Peacecraft, you DO have minions, right?"  
  
The Peacecraft fumed, her scarlet face clashing horribly against her pink taffeta spandex bathing suit type outfit.  
  
"Of course I do! Dorothy, where are those worthless idiots?"  
  
"Ah, Relena-sama, I believe they are at lunch."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, you told them to be here at noon, but your nemesis.. or is it nemesises? Nemesi? Oh hell, what is the plural for nemesis?"  
  
"Nemeses. And where are you going with your useless rambling?"  
  
"Oh. I meant to say that your arch-nemeses were late by several hours. So the minions got hungry and went out for lunch."  
  
"Damn it."  
  
The Peacecraft turned to the awaiting Gundam Five. They were still waiting for an attack.  
  
"Look," she began, "because of your tardiness, my minions are unavailable to fight you at the moment. Could you wait for a while?"  
  
Wufei immediately agreed.  
  
"Yes, we can wait. It will give me time to change."  
  
"No! We finished this now!"  
  
Quatre countered Wufei because he had the right outfit on. Also, he was the leader. Therefore, he had the final say, the power to veto.  
  
The Peacecraft let out a sigh. If that was the way they wanted it, then fine.. She would show them.  
  
"Dorothy! Go get them!"  
  
"Me? Why not you?"  
  
"Because I'm the supervillain. I don't ever fight first. Besides, you are my number one lackey. You have to obey me."  
  
"Yeah, right! You don't pay me enough for this."  
  
"I don't pay anyone. I'm an arch-villain! You do what I tell you because you worship me."  
  
"Oh please, who's on the high and mighty ego trip?"  
  
"You fight them! If you don't, I'll.. I'll.."  
  
"You'll what? Make me wear your pink spandex taffeta?"  
  
"No. I will tell them the secret story about your.. eyebrows."  
  
Gasp.  
  
"You wouldn't!"  
  
The Peacecraft smiled evilly.  
  
"I would."  
  
While the Peacecraft and her lackey Dorothy were arguing, the Gundam Five had taken comfortable seats on the floor, passing popcorn around to each other. This was better than a soap opera.  
  
"What do you think the story is behind those eyebrows?"  
  
"Childhood trauma."  
  
"Duo, you think everything is childhood trauma."  
  
"Yeah, it explains 99.9 percent of everything."  
  
"And the 0.1 percent?"  
  
"Geez, Heero, do I have to spell it out for you? 0.1 percent is the psycho factor."  
  
"You don't say."  
  
"That's right, Heero. Every superhero and supervillain has a sob story. Therefore, I bet the story behind the eyebrows is a childhood experience that caused pain."  
  
"What's your sob story, Duo darling?"  
  
"Darling? What the.. Nevermind.. Anyway, if you want my sob story, go read Episode Zero."  
  
"The what?"  
  
"Oh yeah, this is a parody.. I'm not supposed to say things that are self-realizing.. Damn."  
  
+  
  
The conversations went on. The sun started to set. Finally, the Peacecraft gave up on her minions coming back.  
  
"Oh fine. I'll fight myself."  
  
The Peacecraft wanted Dorothy to fight, but after their long argument, her blond lackey was tired and drooping onto the floor. It was not the most auspicious beginning to an epic battle at all.  
  
+  
  
"Okay, are we ready to fight?"  
  
"Yes, Peacecraft! Let's go at it!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Sheesh, Quatre, that sounded really bad.."  
  
"Get your mind out of the gutter Duo."  
  
"But!"  
  
The Gundam Five sighed. What did the Peacecraft want now?  
  
"We must observe the rules."  
  
With that said, the Peacecraft dragged out a book bigger than herself from the alternate dimension place where all villains and superheroes kept their weapons and such. She began reading.  
  
"Rule number one. Threatening opening parlay."  
  
"We did that."  
  
"Check. Rule number two. Minion fighting."  
  
"You fucked that up."  
  
"No, you guys did. Scratch that.. Rule number three. Civilian casualties."  
  
"Don't you mean, ‘no civilian casualties'?"  
  
"Whatever. My mansion is no where near anything populated anyway. Moot point."  
  
"Move along, then. We don't have all night."  
  
"Shut up, you pathetic superheroes! Rule number four. Attacks interspersed by explanations of my motivations behind my plot."  
  
"What?"  
  
But the Gundam Five never got their answer. The Peacecraft attacked.  
  
+  
  
"We are.." Dodge. "Getting.." Scamper. "Killed here!" Roll for cover.  
  
Duo had the rights of it. The Peacecraft was kicking their asses.  
  
"I'd be better off.." Dive. "If it weren't for.." Slide. "these high heels.." Scramble. "These are.." Run. "a bitch to run in." Roll for cover.  
  
Wufei was having the hardest time of all the superheroes. He was greatly hampered by his fuku, not to mention the god awful shoes. How did women walk on these torture devices?  
  
By now, all the Gundam Five had taken cover. The Peacecraft intensified her attacks, occasionally throwing in bits and pieces about her devious plot.  
  
"I will bring chaos to earth because you earthlings ruined my life!"  
  
Fireball. Singe.  
  
"You took away the only precious thing in my life!"  
  
Thunderbolt. Crackle.  
  
The ranting continued, but the Gundam Five wasn't really paying attention. They were more worried about getting fried by a random fireball, not about her motivations. All they really heard was the booming from explosions and "Blah blah blah, etc etc, blah.."  
  
And they say superheroes care.  
  
+  
  
"We have to attack at some point. This is getting pitiful."  
  
Duo nodded in agreement with Quatre. They were superheroes, for Pete's sake. Even if one of them was an inadvertent cross-dresser.  
  
"Then we go all out on the count of three, okay?"  
  
"What do you mean, go out, oh illustrious leader?"  
  
"Jump out from behind the cover and attack at once."  
  
"But oh profound leader, we all have different attack timing."  
  
"Stop the sarcasm and tell me what the problem is, Duo."  
  
"Me, sarcastic? Oh no, oh obvious one."  
  
At this point, Heero yanked on Duo's braid and shut him up. They needed a plan, not an internal dissension.  
  
"So, ready to attack or what?"  
  
"Wait, Quatre."  
  
"What is it, Trowa?"  
  
Poor Quatre. He sounded fed up.  
  
"Well, I still haven't memorized my attack sequence. It's a long sequence, combining posing, flashy lights, and inane words."  
  
"Trowa, while you're doing that, the Peacecraft would fry you into crispy jerky."  
  
"But it seems to be a necessity.."  
  
"You read the same book as Wufei, didn't you."  
  
"Yeah, but not the part on the wardrobe. I'm in spandex."  
  
"Where did you get those?"  
  
"I raided Heero's closet. You would not believe some of the stuff in his closet."  
  
"Don't tell me. I beg of you.."  
  
+  
  
Somehow, the Gundam Five came to an agreement. The Peacecraft was still pounding them with various attacks of destructive nature, mindlessly screaming out her plot, the wrongs done to her, etc. No one was really paying attention so it was not heard.  
  
"Three!"  
  
At Quatre's signal, all five jumped out. They attacked as they had planned. Several injuries were inflicted. Clothes were ripped. Property was destroyed. Dorothy was accidentally zapped. In the end of this epic struggle, the Peacecraft was defeated. She sat with her shoulders sagged before the triumphant Gundam Five.  
  
"So, are you going to kill me now?"  
  
Quatre quickly flipped through the rulebook.  
  
"Rule number one thousand eight hundred forty four section B, subsection 4 paragraph nine says that we are not allowed to kill anyone, not even a supervillain."  
  
"Is there an exception?"  
  
Heero had sounded a little too enthusiastic there.  
  
"Yes. Accidental death."  
  
Heero eyed the Peacecraft. Accidental, huh. He could arrange that.  
  
"No Heero."  
  
"Party pooper."  
  
"We put her in jail."  
  
"Quatre, with her powers, haven't you considered that jail is a little bit.. worthless?"  
  
"Our other option is turn her to the side of good."  
  
"Jail it is."  
  
That ended the Peacecraft threat.  
  
+  
  
The Gundam Five made it safely back to their hideout (or hall, or whatever). Duo and Heero immediately disappeared into their room and noises ensued. A lot of moaning, groaning, creaking, slapping, grunting noises.  
  
"They never tire."  
  
"Stamina is a good thing."  
  
Quatre eyed Trowa. It was about time that he got some. After all, he was the leader.  
  
"So Trowa, you wanna go have some illicit jungle sex?"  
  
"Oh yeah. Hold on, let me borrow a few things from Heero."  
  
"I'll be waiting."  
  
Quatre swished into his room. Trowa watched him go and then knocked on the busy sex driven bunnies' room.  
  
"Heero, I need to borrow someth-"  
  
Before he had finished, the door slammed open and Heero threw a bag at him. The door shut swiftly and Heero and Duo began making noises again.  
  
Trowa took the bag to Quatre's room and they looked at the contents.  
  
"Chains."  
  
"Cat-o-nine-tails."  
  
"Climbing rope?"  
  
"How the hell does this thing strap?"  
  
"Why does this have an extension cord?"  
  
Questions aside, the two of them decided to emulate Heero and Duo.  
  
+  
  
Wufei sat alone in the hideout (or hall, or whatever) and tried not to listen to two sets of moaning, grunting, groaning, etc noises coming through the walls. It was not fair. There were five of them and he was left out. Not fair at all.  
  
So he plugged himself into the Zero System.  
  
"Pleasure me, Zero!"  
  
And who says not everyone has a happy ending..  
  
+  
  
Is this the end?  
  
Will there be a sequel?  
  
Is the threat really over?  
  
And how is the Zero system pleasuring Wufei?  
  
So many questions, but alas, the saga is over..  
  
Or is it? 


End file.
